Bear Down Wildcats

My 8-year-old just told us this joke and he has no clue why at the end his mother gasped and his father choked on his drink...

“What’s Jesus Christ’s favorite workout?”
“CrossFit”

LMMFAO!

Good on him

Can’t wait until he tells that one at school.

Not sure why the existing recipe would use sriracha and not gojuchang already though...

Why???

Her car almost got hit!

Watch to the end

Woman in the audience: "What is your favorite sexual position?"
Eric Idle: "The married male position: flat on your back with your wallet wide open."

I am literally crying right now.

Math is hard.

She's of the age at which she hates you regardless. Might as well have fun with it.

I'm on our school board,

I don't think I could keep it together if that list of names was called for public comment. Good thing we don't videotape our meetings.

This Twitter thread is fucking amazing.

The Insurance Deductible of the Edmond Fitzgerald?


You working Chi?

dovecanyoncat wrote: ↑Thu Oct 07, 2021 12:16 pm The Insurance Deductible of the Edmond Fitzgerald?


You working Chi?

Not at the moment!

A joke stolen from National Zero:

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

All of a sudden, he said out loud "Lord, grant me one wish".

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The man said "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want".

The Lord said "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports that would be required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify Me".

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy".

The Lord replied "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Because George Carlin: https://www.azquotes.com/author/2470-George_Carlin?p=6

"America was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free men."

"The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols."

"I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's."

"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money."

"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

From Betty White:

“Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, nine if you’re ugly.”

“Why do people say, ‘Grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive.

If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things really take a pounding!”

“People have told me that Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with old friends. At my age, if I wanted to keep in touch with old friends, I’d need a ouija board.”

When Johnny Carson asked Betty White what she does in her free time, she replied, “Ummm, well, vodka is a hobby.”

What she did for exercise: “I have a two-story house and a very bad memory, so I’m up and down those stairs.”

“My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’”

“Butterflies are like women — we may look pretty and delicate, but baby, we can fly through a hurricane.”

While portraying the sexually voracious Sue Ann Nivens on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show,” she declared, “a woman who does a good job in the kitchen is sure to reap her rewards in other parts of the house.”

“My answer to anything under the sun, like ‘What have you not done in the business that you’ve always wanted to do?’ is ‘Robert Redford’.”

Isn't drake the guy who hits up teenagers for sex

Not that I know of…

https://www.vice.com/en/article/bjaz83/ ... -man-phase

So let’s just cut right to the chase: Drake is reportedly dating a teenager.

The 31-year-old rapper, who has often been linked to more age appropriate women, including Jennifer Lopez, was recently seen dining with 18-year-old model Bella Harris in Washington, DC, according to Page Six. A photo on Harris’ Instagram feed shows the pair embracing somewhat awkwardly (Drake is giving off a handsy uncle vibe), with the caption “no place I’d rather be .”

“Hits up teenagers for sex” is different than “is dating an adult”.

Still a little creepy when you are in your 30's and it's close enough that you have to ask for ID to see if she's legal.