Yuletide Thread

Longhorned · Post by **Longhorned** » Sat Dec 04, 2021 4:52 pm

If you get dragged to one of those holiday outdoor skating rinks, and you don't know how to skate, take my advice: It's impossible to fall forward. If you try to fall forward, you'll skate.

As soon as I realized this, I went from not being able to stand on ice to being the fastest skater on the rink. A UConn hockey coach who was there offered me a 4-year scholarship on the spot. I told the trick to the people falling on their asses, and we all suddenly skated right out of the rink into the streets of downtown Tucson, the world becoming a blur of Christmas lights and wild applause.

scumdevils86 · Post by **scumdevils86** » Sat Dec 04, 2021 4:56 pm

I went ice skating once. I fell forward and broke my leg. Never again.

Alieberman · Post by **Alieberman** » Sat Dec 04, 2021 5:09 pm

I grew up in Chicago. 1st time on skates I was 4 years old.... knocked out my front 2 teeth.

Needless to say, I immediately went on to play youth hockey.

(true story)

ASUHATER! · Post by **ASUHATER!** » Sat Dec 04, 2021 5:50 pm

There is actually going to be a skating rink built by the Costco on Kino in Tucson in the next couple years, so year round skating in Tucson.

dovecanyoncat · Post by **dovecanyoncat** » Sat Dec 04, 2021 6:01 pm

There's a lesson in all the foregoing .... take it away Eric!

Longhorned · Post by **Longhorned** » Sat Dec 04, 2021 6:34 pm

scumdevils86 wrote: ↑Sat Dec 04, 2021 4:56 pm I went ice skating once. I fell forward and broke my leg. Never again.

But this goes against my theory! If stand here in my living room right now and fall forward, I can't fall forward without raising my heels and shifting my weight to my toes on the way down. On skates that's impossible to do, and the blades remain fixed on the ice surface unless I fall to the side or shift my center of balance backward and fall on my ass. The only way I could fall forward is if I lift a foot and bring it down on the front tip of the blade, which would tip me with the forward momentum.

CatsbyAZ · Post by **CatsbyAZ** » Mon Dec 06, 2021 8:21 am

The day I had to learn Santa doesn't exist was hard. My parents & siblings sat me on the couch, explaining the impossible logic of a 285lb man funneling down so many chimneys in one night, before offering I go take my Mazda for a contemplative drive. Found myself in a sports bar later, but not too late. Had to work early the next day.

CatsbyAZ · Post by **CatsbyAZ** » Thu Dec 09, 2021 3:09 pm

The first (and only!) time my parents seated me atop the lap of a Mall Santa my six-year-old self mistook the merry ordeal for a Catholic confessional:

Mall Santa: “And have you been a good boy this year?”

6 yr old self: “I got detention for sniffing dry erase markers!”

Longhorned · Post by **Longhorned** » Thu Dec 23, 2021 3:15 pm

Am I the only one here who has so much stuff to prepare for Christmas that the house turns into a decorated but neglected crack house, and then I have to spend the 24th just trying to clean the house to be ready for Christmas?

azgreg · Post by **azgreg** » Thu Dec 23, 2021 3:38 pm

Fuck Christmas.

EastCoastCat · Post by **EastCoastCat** » Thu Dec 23, 2021 5:57 pm

Longhorned wrote: ↑Thu Dec 23, 2021 3:15 pm Am I the only one here who has so much stuff to prepare for Christmas that the house turns into a decorated but neglected crack house, and then I have to spend the 24th just trying to clean the house to be ready for Christmas?

No, you are not.

Merkin · Post by **Merkin** » Thu Dec 23, 2021 6:04 pm

EastCoastCat wrote: ↑Thu Dec 23, 2021 5:57 pm
Longhorned wrote: ↑Thu Dec 23, 2021 3:15 pm Am I the only one here who has so much stuff to prepare for Christmas that the house turns into a decorated but neglected crack house, and then I have to spend the 24th just trying to clean the house to be ready for Christmas?
No, you are not.

Same here, have so much crap in my front room I need to find space for.

EastCoastCat · Post by **EastCoastCat** » Thu Dec 23, 2021 6:08 pm

Wife: “I just bought egg nog yesterday. Why is it almost gone?”

Me: “Must have been the kids (as I’m wiping away the bourbon based egg nog from my lips)”

Spaceman Spiff · Post by **Spaceman Spiff** » Thu Dec 23, 2021 6:58 pm

People act like the song I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus is cute, but there's nothing cute about an extramarital affair.

EastCoastCat · Post by **EastCoastCat** » Thu Dec 23, 2021 7:20 pm

Spaceman Spiff wrote: ↑Thu Dec 23, 2021 6:58 pm People act like the song I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus is cute, but there's nothing cute about an extramarital affair.

You need to stick to DRB and PnR theories. That seems to be more your speed…

dovecanyoncat · Post by **dovecanyoncat** » Thu Dec 23, 2021 7:23 pm

We. Don't. Do. Christmas.

But everybody else does so it still sucks balls.

Merkin · Post by **Merkin** » Thu Dec 23, 2021 7:32 pm

dovecanyoncat wrote: ↑Thu Dec 23, 2021 7:23 pm We. Don't. Do. Christmas.

But everybody else does so it still sucks balls.

The Chinese restaurant industry appreciates all those that don't celebrate Christmas.

Besides the drug stores that stay open just so they can sell tons of alcohol.

Longhorned · Post by **Longhorned** » Thu Dec 23, 2021 7:37 pm

I can think of few things more Christmassy than Chinese food and alcohol. Except maybe mariwonika.

Chicat · Post by **Chicat** » Fri Dec 24, 2021 6:23 pm

I feel SEEN

EastCoastCat · Post by **EastCoastCat** » Fri Dec 24, 2021 7:07 pm

Chicat wrote: ↑Fri Dec 24, 2021 6:23 pm I feel SEEN

I’m first team all-american when it comes to this.

Catintheheat · Post by **Catintheheat** » Fri Dec 24, 2021 8:25 pm

I grew up around South Bend Indiana. I like Ice skating. I went to "Howard Park" all the time. Even had lessons. I find ice skating fun, and my older sister is better than me. I also miss sledding. That's why I need to get back to the snow. At my age I can do what I want. People will dismiss it considering me dotty.

Merkin · Post by **Merkin** » Fri Dec 24, 2021 9:14 pm

I grew up in South Central Michigan. I never ever want to be in the snow again.

ghostwhitehorse · Post by **ghostwhitehorse** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 1:07 am

Merry Christmas!

EastCoastCat · Post by **EastCoastCat** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 3:06 am

Merry Christmas to the best group of knucklehead fans to ever be assembled on one message board.

I hope Santa passed COVID protocols and has brought you and your families whatever you wished for.

BTFD!

Alieberman · Post by **Alieberman** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 6:45 am

From this atheist Jew to all of you gentiles out there-

Merry Christmas!

Chicat · Post by **Chicat** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 7:28 am

I’m thankful literally every day for this phenomenal community. I’ve come to know some of you as friends, and others as brothers. And it has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!

dovecanyoncat · Post by **dovecanyoncat** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 8:14 am

EastCoastCat wrote: ↑Sat Dec 25, 2021 3:06 am Merry Christmas to the best group of knucklehead fans to ever be assembled on one message board.

I hope Santa passed COVID protocols and has brought you and your families whatever you wished for.

BTFD!

If Santa blows it and COVID kills the BB season he's gonna get skullfucked with the rest of the Shiteaters!

Chicat · Post by **Chicat** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 10:00 am

Now there’s the Christmas spirit…

Longhorned · Post by **Longhorned** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 11:40 am

Would you all love me as much if everything I wrote were just a thinly veiled argument for why we should eat more onions?

dovecanyoncat · Post by **dovecanyoncat** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 12:07 pm

Longhorned wrote: ↑Sat Dec 25, 2021 11:40 am Would you all love me as much if everything I wrote were just a thinly veiled argument for why we should eat more onions?

Of course, as long as they're not raw onions. But we've had that debate before, and it does not lend itself to culinary bi-partisanship.

Longhorned · Post by **Longhorned** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 12:12 pm

"The pepper shaker's empty."

"That's because we grind our pepper fresh!"

Chicat · Post by **Chicat** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 12:21 pm

Longhorned wrote: ↑Sat Dec 25, 2021 11:40 am Would you all love me as much if everything I wrote were just a thinly veiled argument for why we should eat more onions?

You can’t convince me that Professor Longhorned didn’t write for The Simpsons…

“We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. I didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...”

- Grampa Simpson

Longhorned · Post by **Longhorned** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 12:49 pm

The difference between the best and worst badminton match you'd ever see is far less than the best and worst naked dance show you'd ever see.

scumdevils86 · Post by **scumdevils86** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 12:51 pm

We should always eat more onions. And garlic. All the alliums.

Roasted or grilled cabbage and onions are probably my favorite vegetables.

dovecanyoncat · Post by **dovecanyoncat** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 1:05 pm

Longhorned wrote: ↑Sat Dec 25, 2021 12:12 pm "The pepper shaker's empty."

"That's because we grind our pepper fresh!"

What emerges from a pepper shaker has all the value of the fluid that emerges from the tertiary run of water through coffee grounds. Without mills to edify pepper corns one might as well cook in the tool shed where hammers are handy.

dovecanyoncat · Post by **dovecanyoncat** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 1:09 pm

Longhorned wrote: ↑Sat Dec 25, 2021 12:49 pm The difference between the best and worst badminton match you'd ever see is far less than the best and worst naked dance show you'd ever see.

Not that I would know, or be able to speak with authority, but it must have something to do with shuttlecocks specifically and cocks in general.

Merkin · Post by **Merkin** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 1:52 pm

UAEebs86 · Post by **UAEebs86** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 1:59 pm

He seems nice.

Alieberman · Post by **Alieberman** » Sat Dec 25, 2021 2:58 pm

I got tickets to the Arizona UCLA game from my wife!

Hopefully UCLA is over it’s COVID protocol by then

I’m so excited!

EastCoastCat · Post by **EastCoastCat** » Mon Dec 27, 2021 1:13 pm

Jedd Fisch might have received an F but my family get's an A for this Christmas present:

Chicat · Post by **Chicat** » Mon Dec 27, 2021 1:37 pm

Well at least one of us is loved.

EastCoastCat · Post by **EastCoastCat** » Mon Dec 27, 2021 2:26 pm

Chicat wrote: ↑Mon Dec 27, 2021 1:37 pm Well at least one of us is loved.

Wait, I thought everyone liked you?

Chicat · Post by **Chicat** » Mon Dec 27, 2021 2:48 pm

And now we know the difference between like & love.

CatsbyAZ · Post by **CatsbyAZ** » Thu Dec 01, 2022 12:18 pm

With Christmas tunes now sounding across the radio waves, am I the only one who gets preoccupied with what medications Grandma was mixing with Egg Nog when she Got Run Over by a Reindeer? Prednisone and Lexapro? Xanax and Percocets?

CatsbyAZ · Post by **CatsbyAZ** » Tue Dec 12, 2023 3:39 pm

That time of year to credit the Lyrics of Frosty the Snowman with having the clearest articulation of Hedonism I've ever heard:

Oh, Frosty, the Snowman
Was alive as he could be
And the children say
He could laugh and play
Just the same as you and me

Oh, Frosty the Snowman
Knew the sun was hot that day
So he said, "Let's run, and we'll have some fun
Now, before I melt away"

UAEebs86 · Post by **UAEebs86** » Tue Dec 12, 2023 4:01 pm

Here for a good time, not a long time.

UAEebs86 · Post by **UAEebs86** » Fri Dec 22, 2023 10:51 am

What an ass Chi - sorry for that. (Did you delete your post?)

I started feeling sick late Sunday/Monday, took a test late Tue. night and was positive. Had to skip the 'Cats game with my son Wed. night.

Sleeping in a separate room and wearing masks so I don't get my wife and daughter sick (so far so good).

Christmas is cancelled with my mom and stepdad - will have to do something later next week.

Alieberman · Post by **Alieberman** » Fri Dec 22, 2023 10:51 am

If its too hard to stick a qtip in your nose for 5 seconds for the safety of the loved ones around you... you pretty much are a piece of shit.

Sorry Chi- that sucks and your family deserves better

Chicat · Post by **Chicat** » Fri Dec 22, 2023 10:59 am

Sorry guys, stuck it in the venting thread. But you’re both right. He’s an ass and a piece of shit.

wyo-cat · Post by **wyo-cat** » Fri Dec 22, 2023 11:00 am

My sister has been anti Covid vax since last year.

This year she’s had some serious health issues and would be vulnerable if something were to happen.

She got her jab this week.

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