Bear Down Wildcats

There's a BBC porn joke in here somewhere. Something something they plump when you cook 'em.

almost assuredly a photoshop

dovecanyoncat wrote: ↑Fri Oct 29, 2021 2:11 pm There's a BBC porn joke in here somewhere.

Or is it more of a prison joke?

In the drive-thru at Dutch Bros coffee this morning, the girl asked me if I wanted to hear a joke while I waited. I said yes.

"Why do you wear two pairs of pants while you're golfing?" she said.

"Wait," I said. "Did you say, 'Why do you wear two toupees while you're balding?'"

"No!" she said. "Why do you wear two pairs of paints while you're golfing?"

"Why?" I said.

"In case you get a hole-in-one," she said.

"You should tell the joke I misheard instead," I said.

"What would be the punchline?" she asked.

"Exact same punchline," I said.

She exploded with laughter. Then she told the barista, and he exploded with laughter. It was like setting off multiple bombs before my first coffee.

^^
Thanks LH! Those are the exact type of jokes my wife loves. They got her chuckling

We always appreciate how guests enjoy our guacamole but it's embarrassing when they walk in on you making it.

Oak trees grow slow and strong.

And they bend but don't break.

Monkeygate is killing me.

How do you get hair like this guy?

Blow dry it immediately out of the shower while running a coarse brush through it.

Then tongue-kiss a light socket.

Guess putting a firecracker in your mouth was not the right answer.

No one can shave your wife except for you,
Don't ever let anyone sip your olive juice.

Stop signs work if you follow the rules.

I get to a 4-way stop first, I go first. You get there first, you go first. You get there at the same time, the car to the right goes first.

Easy enough… except in the Midwest there’s a goddamn contest to see how many fucking cars you can wave ahead of you no matter how much it’s fucking up traffic.

I don’t know if Susan from the Hallmark store thinks she’s getting into Heaven because she let someone go ahead of her, BUT THATS NOT THE WAY IT FUCKING WORKS.

The next time some brain dead milquetoast corn-fed moron waves me ahead of them even though I got there a full three seconds after them, I’m going to go … and flip them the middle finger on my way by. I hope they die thoroughly confused as to why that random guy got so pissed when they did the nice Midwestern thing and waved them on at the intersection.

azgreg wrote: ↑Mon Nov 01, 2021 5:13 pm

Yet another time in history the British were the bad guys. The French (post Trafalgar) were hurting for a navy and Denmark had the biggest uncommitted navy in the world at the time (were neutral in the Napoleonic Wars). So the French basically threatened to invade Denmark...but the British told the Danes that they could come park their Navy in British waters for "safekeeping" from the French. Danes said "no thanks, we can take care of our own navy thank you". So the British then invaded Denmark and attacked Copenhagen and bombarded the city and burned a lot of it down and killed hundreds or thousands of civilians and took their navy from them.

ASUHATER! wrote: ↑Thu Nov 11, 2021 6:55 pm Yet another time in history the British were the bad guys.

The English were the bad guys even during my lifetime. They still had colonies in Africa in the 1960's. The "Troubles" in Northern Ireland are still fresh in my mind.

Hell my mind too, I remember hearing about N Ireland stuff when I was a kid.

I crossed paths with Jason Gardner yesterday. He's developed a case of normal-looking man's body.

I'm intrigued by the myriad of ways we can construe a semi-truck plummeting to the earth as a random thought.

Now that Christmas music is sounding across the radio waves, am I the only one who gets preoccupied with what medications Grandma was on when she got run over by a reindeer? I'm guessing a mix of Xanax and Perc 30s. Any other ideas?

CatsbyAZ wrote: ↑Tue Nov 30, 2021 11:52 am Now that Christmas music is sounding across the radio waves, am I the only one who gets preoccupied with what medications Grandma was on when she got run over by a reindeer? I'm guessing a mix of Xanax and Perc 30s. Any other ideas?

Every year around this time I yearn to hear Snoop Dogg sing the words Pa Rum Pa Pum Pum with a straight face.

Alcoholism - It’s what’s for breakfast

Chicat wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 6:53 am Alcoholism - It’s what’s for breakfast

You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.

UAEebs86 wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 7:07 am

Chicat wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 6:53 am Alcoholism - It’s what’s for breakfast

You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.

Wednesday starts the weekend!

dovecanyoncat wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 7:18 am

UAEebs86 wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 7:07 am

Chicat wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 6:53 am Alcoholism - It’s what’s for breakfast

You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.

Wednesday starts the weekend!

Fatty liver, cirrhosis, and liver cancer are real things....or so I'm told.

Carcassdragger wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 2:58 pm

dovecanyoncat wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 7:18 am

UAEebs86 wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 7:07 am

Chicat wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 6:53 am Alcoholism - It’s what’s for breakfast

You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.

Wednesday starts the weekend!

Fatty liver, cirrhosis, and liver cancer are real things....or so I'm told.

If you don't have fatty liver you're not a player!!!

I'm a playa!!

Does anyone who has allergies to pollen think the Covid vaccines (and their immune system influence) might exacerbate the situation? I never used to have allergies to pollen but over the years I have gotten worse. Now the Nov.-Dec. juniper pollen in the Verde Valley is making me wonder if it's not just the pollen. It's so bad for my wife that she's dropping hints about moving to the PHX valley. groan

dovecanyoncat wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 3:25 pm Does anyone who has allergies to pollen think the Covid vaccines (and their immune system influence) might exacerbate the situation? I never used to have allergies to pollen but over the years I have gotten worse. Now the Nov.-Dec. juniper pollen in the Verde Valley is making me wonder if it's not just the pollen. It's so bad for my wife that she's dropping hints about moving to the PHX valley. groan

You'll just be trading in juniper pollen for olive and orange pollen.

UAEebs86 wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 3:32 pm

dovecanyoncat wrote: ↑Tue Dec 07, 2021 3:25 pm Does anyone who has allergies to pollen think the Covid vaccines (and their immune system influence) might exacerbate the situation? I never used to have allergies to pollen but over the years I have gotten worse. Now the Nov.-Dec. juniper pollen in the Verde Valley is making me wonder if it's not just the pollen. It's so bad for my wife that she's dropping hints about moving to the PHX valley. groan

You'll just be trading in juniper pollen for olive and orange pollen.

I can see I need to find some yammering moron on Facebook to justify what I want to do regardless of objective fact.

Something must be wrong with the urinals. It hurts when I pee.

Carcassdragger wrote: ↑Wed Dec 08, 2021 3:01 pm Something must be wrong with the urinals. It hurts when I pee.

Have you tried taking off the ring?

Satellite image of Russian troops on November 9. Can you find the large head of the bear in profile? I think that may be important. And I think he sees us.

Looks like a scared cow to me.

Chicat wrote: ↑Thu Dec 09, 2021 7:01 am Looks like a scared cow to me.

Ah. You hone in on the Ukraine. The anti-imperialist lens.

Yep but with his eyes open

so I bought a pack of Charmin and the rolls were uncut - very interesting never had this happen before.

The cutters must have been in COVID protocol…

My mother is 73 but all of a sudden she’s acting like she’s 93.

She absolutely refuses to have any apps on her iPhone because she’s afraid of “getting all those ads”. So she’s constantly asking me for things like to tell her what the weather is, how to get somewhere, or how to get to her email without “some crazy person stealing all my stuff”.

Is this my future as well? Will I go from a perfectly well-adjusted human to some weirdo who saves one chicken nugget for lunch three days from now because you never know if all the other food will go bad all at the same time?

Please let me die before I start treating my children like I’ve got whatever disease Stephen Hawking had and they’re my personal assistants.

Chicat wrote: ↑Thu Dec 23, 2021 3:05 pm My mother is 73 but all of a sudden she’s acting like she’s 93.

She absolutely refuses to have any apps on her iPhone because she’s afraid of “getting all those ads”. So she’s constantly asking me for things like to tell her what the weather is, how to get somewhere, or how to get to her email without “some crazy person stealing all my stuff”.

Is this my future as well? Will I go from a perfectly well-adjusted human to some weirdo who saves one chicken nugget for lunch three days from now because you never know if all the other food will go bad all at the same time?

Please let me die before I start treating my children like I’ve got whatever disease Stephen Hawking had and they’re my personal assistants.

My mom's 75, same, and yes.

My (and SD86 of course) mom is only 65 but she's been doing that stuff since she was like 50.

Greeeeaaaaaat…

I just set her up to get her Covid booster while she’s visiting (much easier to get in Indiana than NYC). I got her all the way through the initial sign up portion and then when it came to putting in her personal information I handed her my iPhone. And she said-

“Oh lord. Oh no…”

-and then started fanning herself as if she was feeling a stroke or aneurysm coming on.

Then she handed the phone back to me because she didn’t know how she should answer what sex she was assigned at birth. She then handed it back to me again because she didn’t know what the Address 2 line was for. Then she handed it to me a third time and said “Can you read the terms and conditions? I’m not sure whether I should agree.”

I mean, dear lord. This is a woman who spends half her life on Ancestry.com and yet somehow applying for an appointment at a pharmacy rendered her basically a toddler. By the end I expected her to ask me to spoon feed her some apple sauce.

Chi, my man, consider this entire experience your first training bra.

dovecanyoncat wrote: ↑Thu Dec 23, 2021 3:50 pm Chi, my man, consider this entire experience your first training bra.

But I don’t want boobs!!!